I really don’t know what to do with my life anymore.
I cannot even strike up normal conversation with friends. I just pace around back and forth. My friends do not understand me. Some even appear to fear me for this lack of understanding.
One time I believed in the “small world” perspective: even out of seven billion people, the chances of one browsing about AI and being super-interested in coding even though nobody supports the person are extremely low and thus I am unique in the world. But this is not so. There are hundreds, maybe thousands like me in the world who are fated for the exact same events. And it is impossible to do anything about it.
I’m not ordinary at all. But there seems to be no way to tell people that I am truly extraordinary. I want to use my talents. All the doors in the distance are opened, but guess what? It’s raining.
I do not take enough risk in my life. I waste too much time sleeping. Most successful people sleep less than 8 hours a day on average. Yet I enforce an 8-hour-a-day schedule. It has its benefits and detriments. For one, I feel refreshed in the day and not bogged down by want of sleep. But then again, my work is interrupted. My mind is stack-based, and if somebody interrupts me I have to go down really fast and finish what I’m doing. I hate getting interrupted but at least it clears up deadlocks for the next day.
My AI crap is bunk. I wish I could do this but there is nowhere to go. No mentor that wants to help me. I emailed a professor at my local university (CS is not a big thing here) and he basically said this:
I feel your pain, have you tried using Meetup?
Uhh.. no? I’m not even old enough to drive. My father doesn’t care and my mom can’t help. When I frantically ask them for support they just Google the obvious stuff and say, “Have you looked at that? Have you looked at that? Really? So why is it not useful?”
My parents cannot put two and two together. Hello…. I already know Java, C#, JS, etc.! I’m not a “beginner programmer,” who do you think I am?
Again I wish I went to a magnet school so I could do engineering and such year-round.
Now my life is a wreck. What I want to do will never happen in my lifetime. I know that. But AI is such a young field, and I want to partake in it… can I not?
Am I too ordinary? Get off you “you are loved you need help” sympathizers. You don’t understand, because my assailants are the skeptics and the educated who are whispering to me, “Do you know what it takes to do this stuff? Do you even know what NP-hard is? Come back in 2 years, you have much to learn. Do something more ordinary, scrub,” and my late allies, much too late to ever support me, will say, “You are unique! You are perfect! You can do it!” One has no belief and the other has no insight.
My friends don’t utilize their talents. They don’t encourage me. They just say, “cool story bro,” and get on with their lives. Nobody really cares for me, except for homework help. Nobody has approached me, saying, “Hey, how’s your project going?” No, nobody. I have to approach them and ask for their input.
In essense, nobody interacts with me, which is a sign of my (obvious) lack of integration in society and community. I suck. I have just devalued myself once again. Applause, ladies and gentlemen.
Why are my friends rulebreakers, I-got-no-time-see-yas and weeaboos? It’s all my fault. I could have prospered. But the decisions I made in life were just plain wrong, and because of them I lose. Yet I still have still more to lose. I can still put up a fight. But even still I will lose all of them. So why do I even try?
Tomorrow I will lose the UIL CS competition. I’m not being a pessimist, I’m predicting the future. It happens every year predictably. I suck. See? I cannot prove my worth.
Maybe for being such a negative person I have affirmed that I have none at all.
I cannot cry even if I wanted to. It is not because I do not have lacrimal glands, but rather because crying requires a delta. What does that mean? It means that in order to cry there must be a sharp difference or change in emotion. If you are slowly become sad, you do not cry. If you grieve while being consoled and encouraged, you do cry. If you suddenly become joyful, you cry. If you lose your joy, you cry. But if you have been joyful or sad all along, you do not cry. Since there is nobody behind me, nobody to tell me that I am wrapping myself in a web of lies, that I am deceiving myself, that I am destroying myself, that I am corroborating myself, that I am not physically but mentally killing myself, I do not cry.
How many words will it take for someone to find this website? Right now the word count is at 892. It adds up fast, you know.
Soon I’ll lose even what I value. My friends will betray me. My hard drive will crash and burn. My parents will get sued. I will hack and get caught.
Since 90 days ago, nothing really has changed. I have just become simply more self-aware. My goals will not be met and I will punish myself for it. Nobody will be hurt except me.