I have tried to fight it over and over, all for naught. I am caught in a wave, a wave that oscillates between total confidence and utter despair. I wrestle against my own existence, and a byproduct of that is jealousy.
In my mind there have always existed two conflicting philosophies regarding the world. The first one is that in this world of 7 billion humans, you are an ant. You might be extremely intelligent, but there are hundreds of people out there ready to outsmart you. You are also just a toothpick; you could die in a car crash tomorrow. The second perspective is that there is absolutely nobody in the world who can entirely relate with your experiences, desires, and accomplishments. The former is essentially the insignificance of the individual in society, and the latter is the significance of the individual in identity. Which one is more important, then: society, or identity?
Today I was yelled at, along with some others, for not remaining in the “designated” space for lunch time, even though we were in visible range of it. The director talked to us saying “Yes, I know, you don’t need personal escorts to go wherever, because some of you are 16, 17, or 18, but your safety falls on our shoulders.” This is essentially the extension of the word “safety” beyond the realm of logic and reasoning, because of a capitalist-driven legal system that incentivizes frivolous lawsuits for any or no reason, as long as the plaintiff has the money.
People nowadays are not expected to understand common sense until the age of 18, apparently. And even after that, people still scratch their heads at the notion of using one’s own brain as a platform for decision-making. People apparently do not know or expect to be responsible for their themselves and their own actions except when they are repeatedly instructed to do so.
Now Anticept tells me that a forum getting hacked is nothing. Just shrug it off. What has the world come to? If your house catches on fire, will you not care about its value? He is essentially discounting the value of his website. One could say that since he cares so little, anyone could take over. But alas, it is the way of the developer, with a naturally inflated ego.
Sometimes I believe I am only worthy of existing as an ant in this world. Other times, I look up at where other people have landed.
I feel impure; corrupted. My conscious and subconscious are no longer clearly distinguishable from each other. The only delineating factor is that the conscious remains to be the only rational part of my brain, the only one that correctly walks through neurons, while the subconscious treads over completely unrelated, nonsensical ideas in the blink of an eye. It also seems to arouse the same subliminal messages every time it is triggered before sleep.