Monthly Archives: December 2016

Before the verdict

It’s less than an hour before I receive my decision from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Maybe if I hadn’t felt so devalued in the past eight months, I could have been empowered to do something good. Right before the application, I kind of lost steam: I had run out of things to put on paper. What do I do besides computers? Nothing, except more computers! This seriously shows my passion, but I hope I didn’t extend it to the point that it becomes sad that that’s the only thing I care about. I don’t want to care about just computers, I want to live free!

The people who go to MIT, I can certainly relate to, like the guy who didn’t learn how to swim until he was a freshman there, and the sleepless days at the lab. I know MIT is secretly a party school.

Yet God shows me both sides of the coin equally: probability is defeated. There is no die that will say my chances. Some signs say I will fail and be cast into darkness once again; other signs say I will succeed in mysterious glory. The more I think of either side, the more probable it seems for the opposite to happen.

I feel like I’ll have a heart attack and I’ll never be able to know. Or maybe it’s a plain “no” and I get to live my life as it was before: with a signature trademark level of dullness. Or maybe it’s a “yes” and I will lift my hands up, praise God and his grace.

The decision is already made; it is time for it to be delivered. I don’t want to idolize MIT, but it was – is – my dream. And if I don’t get accepted, I’ll truly feel like I wasted a part of my life working towards a goal that I would never accomplish. I’ll feel like a moron, and people around me will say “Ha! You never had a chance!” But if I do, then I will have to explain to my friends how I did it, and what happens now.

I have faith. There is a voice in my head whispering, “You’ll never get there and you don’t have to get there.” There is yet another voice not really saying anything, but rather showing me a bright, splendid light. I don’t pray that I’ll get accepted, but rather that the right decision is made. Because chances are that I don’t get accepted, and neither does anyone in my class. It’s a perfectly plausible outcome. It is, in fact, the status quo, which is usually favored over miracles and sudden events. But this isn’t the status quo. Am I rolling the right dice?

It’s 5:13 and I get my decision at 6:28. 15 minutes left. 15 minutes of internal panic. Then what happens? God shows me heaven, or I descend back into the fiery pits of toil and hard labor. I want to be an ambassador, to represent my friends and classmates. This isn’t for me, this is for my school. The school hasn’t seen someone who just knows things off the top of their head like it’s no big deal. That’s a talent, and did I use it wisely? I don’t know, did I? Was it right for me to flunk my interview, even though I prepared for it for almost a year? Was it what God intended me to write when I wrote about how I am an introvert and how I was such an introvert that people ostracized me? Was it right to talk about crazy projects I never bothered to finish? Was it right to put in what I put at the last minute on the “Non-Scholastic Achievements” section? Was it?

I’m dazed and confused. Please enlighten me.

3 minutes until my decision. My life could pivot on this decision. But I feel like the decision has already made for me.

EDIT: I got deferred. False alarm.