The semester began with a canceled class day and walking two miles to pick up a textbook. With the change in ambience, I was able to snap out of the episode of anhedonia. Waking up at 6:30 am paradoxically seems to bring energy into my body that lasts through the whole day.
Another onset of loneliness and depression appears to have begun now – but this time, with a new semester and completely reset factors, the reasons are much clearer. This has nothing to do with my classes – there’s hardly anything to do. This has to do with my social tendencies.
There is a friend who actively asks me to eat dinner with him. He irritates me somewhat – if I don’t respond to him in time, he gets impatient and begins to suspect that I am deliberately ignoring him. But his spontaneity and irritability seem to be associated with each other in my mind: why should I try to be spontaneous to others, lest I irritate them? Hence, my friendships all seem to rot because I do not understand how to take the next step, whether that be visiting them, working on a project together, or spending an extended amount of time together. There are times I have attempted this, but usually only once or twice. As for girls – well, it is as if they have all been “taken” by straight men purely for the dating game. Or, they seem to be waiting on some cue from me, but I do not know how to emit this type of cue.
Japanese class almost gave me a heart attack after looking at the amount of work, as revealed to me online on Monday. However, on Wednesday when I finally started attending classes, the teacher started on the weather chapter – a very familiar chapter, with basic kanji and vocabulary that was probably ingrained into me in high school Japanese II. I asked the teacher about how to use this JOSHU software for the assignments; she asked me to just try it and we’ll see, and then I told her I came from AP – her tone completely changed, and she said offhandedly, “Oh, then for you, this will be… nothing.”
I began to resent not having taken the Japanese placement exam. The only reason I am in the class, I suppose, is because I was too humiliated and embarrassed after having gotten that dreadful 3 on the AP exam, that I did not want to endure further suffering taking an exam that might be similar in format and length. Moreover, the class seems somewhat boring (nobody is really talking to each other), but I assume this will change, and I await having to explain why my Japanese is so advanced to the teacher, after she finds an unusual repertoire of authentic vocabulary. “Well, you see… I took Japanese for four years in high school.” (And arguably under one of the best, most exigent, educators I’ve ever had in my school career. Her Achilles’ heel was lagging students whom she was too polite to fail outright, so they stepped through higher ranks not remembering basic constructs and vocabulary and slowed us all down.)
I do not think I will pursue any more counseling this semester. It’s not working: my problems are too severe and deeply wounded within each other. Group sessions encourage too volatile of a relationship between people, and I need to find out why I’m not able to make the same relationships in the real world. It is as if people are just as timid as I am, and we simply do not want to admit things to each other from our timidity – and yet there are some people who have no social interest in me. It’s like a game of Battleship, except I’m too afraid to fire any torpedoes because I don’t want to miss.
As a result of this, I may be spending another weekend in solitude, without any so-called “friends.” The Internet has been a crutch all along, but this needs to end. At the end of the day, we’re supposed to learn and take something away from simulation, not to trap ourselves in it, trying to extract all of the possible satisfaction we can. We are supposed to grow out, live together, build great things in the only life we’ve got. In awaiting great powers such as immortality and omnipotence, people hold out with simulation so that they may annihilate great contraptions, fight great wars, all without destroying a single real object or furthering us into thermodynamic equilibrium.
Life without suffering is heaven. Life without peace is hell. Life with peace and suffering is… life. I am called to sacrifice, but I am also called to enjoy life. And I am inching closer and closer to ridding myself of this curse.