I was defused today by an intervention counselor. I didn’t understand the urgency of my problems, but I somehow was led to the appointment the day before.
It took him a little while for him to understand that I wasn’t at imminent threat to die or kill myself. I don’t want to do those things. But he was confrontational enough to bring me to the crux of the matter.
I took two tests, one today and one yesterday. Suppose the results came back on Saturday, and I failed and everything turns to crap. Now what does my life amount to? What meaning is there left in my life?
It took me a long time to answer this question. Instead, I explained to him the long dependency chain. If I slip up, I won’t get a scholarship, and I’ll enslave myself to work for the rest of my life. Or, I will not get a degree and I will not obtain the credentials needed for my ideas to be accepted by others.
He asked me about a famous person. I told him the most famous and cliche example, Albert Einstein, and even told him it was cliche. But he was satisfied, and I was able to explain how he just wrote a paper on mass-energy equivalence and then his life jumped from working at a patent office to being a talented individual, and then it all goes uphill to legendary status. And it doesn’t make sense.
I don’t remember exactly what he said, but he basically told me not that it doesn’t matter, but rather that we find another way. Even if I do get a PhD in something, or not, the world will always try to justify opposing me and my ideas. He asked what I like to do, or if I liked to do something, what it would be: I answered solving problems. Satisfied with the answer, he complimented my knack for being an analytical person, and then went on to reveal that he was actually transgender. I did not suspect anything at all, actually, and I took a good look at him: he seemed completely male, except for his pink socks and tiny transgender tattoo. I was somewhat impressed.
Finally, he told me that he’s not really sure either if I really do have some kind of Asperger’s – he observes that I do exhibit feelings for things and hypotheticals that people with Asperger’s would not – but he also hints that it doesn’t really matter, that I should just naturally allow myself to develop.
And I left the session with him telling me that the only thing that can hold me up is “celebrating myself” more (and being more selfish).
So I started doing things again.